Epic Teacher Fails #1: Why I don’t teach gym.

The ball was loosed from my hand, like a heat seeking missile towards its target.  Its only purpose was to destroy anything in its path and to win a victory for my team!  The trajectory was set in a razors edge path, straight from hell’s heart. And then, in almost slow motion fashion, I saw what was about to happen…and there was nothing I could to do to stop it….

Like most teachers right out of college, finding that elusive job, leads to substitute teaching.  One particular elementary school had me filling in for a gym teacher. So, as I arrived, and found out what it was the kids would be doing and something came over me. The game was called…CASTLE BALL! On each side of the gym were three sets of hula-hoops placed into geometric shapes. The object of the game was that each team had to knock down all castles to win!  Now being a guy that grew up on, Stallone and Schwarzenegger movies, there was no chance in hell that I could passively sit by and just watch the kids play this game. I was chomping a the bit to get involved. Balls flying through the air, kids diving, rolling, throwing little rubber balls and pelting each other in the head. Something came over me. Guys reading this… you know what I’m talking about.  I heard, as it were, the voice of thunder,from a far away time and place. YES! It was the call of the warrior! Calling me to battle! Calling me to Glory!

I jumped in to the melee of rubber balls flying every which way.  I joined the weakest looking team. My impact was felt immediately, when my first volley took out their second castle in a Bernini sculpture of a finish.  I was pummeling kids left and right.  I hit the fat kid in ass!  That got a few laughs.  I turned that gym into the last 10 minutes of Scarface!  “Say hello, to my lil friend!” It was an epic and flawless victory. I did this all day and I loved every freaking minute of it. In fact, I was getting paid for it! Each period I was drenched in the sweat of battle. Matching swords with shields!

However, I have a problem. I am a bit too…competitive, one might say. Others would refer to me as a sore loser. For me it is either victory or death! In fact, my whole family would experience my  hatred of losing anytime we played a board game. You see we don’t just play board games…we live them. My brothers and I play ninety minute games of checkers. When I saw that I was about to lose, I always went to the nuclear option. Mutual assured destruction. I would grab my basketball and slam it on the board game, sending the pieces all over carnation and as they  yelled, I laughed. Because, if I can’t win….NO ONE CAN!

The last game of the day happened to be with the first graders. I know what your thinking.  You are hoping that I calmed down a bit for the little tykes. You are hoping that I didn’t go Outlaw Josey Wales on a bunch 6 year-olds. I wish this was titled, epic teacher wins…but alas…it is not.  And no…shamefully, I didn’t. I didn’t care. My inner child was at war, and happy.

Then it happened. I reached down to grab a red ball and when I looked up I saw it. There, in the fog of war, was a clear, undefended shot to their last castle!  I mustered every ounce of murderous rage inside my body and let slip the balls of war!

The ball loosed from my hand, like a heat seeking missile towards its target.  Its only purpose was to destroy anything in its path and to win a victory for my team!  The trajectory was set , straight from hell’s heart. And then, in almost slow motion, I saw what was about to happen…and there was nothing I could to do to stop it….a little girl with pig tails starts skipping into the trajectory of my throw, and smacked her right on the button! Her head shot back like she took a jab from Mike Tyson, and then the blood poured out of her nose…and all I could see was my future teaching career going up in flames. Looks like I will be waiting tables a little while longer.

The other gym teacher blew the whistle and screamed, “Who threw that!? Who did it!?”  I said nothing. Just stood there. Stoic. Waiting for the inevitable to happen. Another kid walked over to the teacher and slowly pointed in my direction. I can hear the news feed, “substitute teacher destroys kids face with a rubber ball…film at a eleven.”  Coach blew his whistle again and screamed, “Jose, get over here!” I was stunned. Jose, kind of shrugged his shoulders as if this were a regular occurrence. Jose got his recess taken away for three days.  I  let Jose take the take the fall for what I did. This is why I don’t teach gym.   This has been EPIC TEACHER FAIL #1 . Feel free to comment. And don’t forget to subscribe!

What are some of your epic fails?