Before I begin, I want everyone to know that I believe in state mandated testing. State mandated testing is the very essence for what it is we do as teachers. We teach to a test. This way we know that our students are prepared for the next state mandated test. That test will test what they were tested before and then test whether they are ready to pass another test which is just a test of another test. Either way, we all know the importance of state testing and how it truly reveals what knowledge our students have. Better still, I get to walk around my room in a grid and “actively monitor” students taking a test. Imagine my joy every year when I get to watch kids bubble in scan-tron sheets! This is what all that college training was for. To stand in front of a room full of 20 kids, whom otherwise, I would never actually want in my room, reading the Shakespearean prose of, “You are about to take the state mandated test for….(insert subject).”

I hope you sensed the increased level of sarcasm because I was laying it on as thick as a double whopper with cheese! Why are we still doing this? I find it funny that parents, with whom schools are supposedly scared of, haven’t raised enough holy hell to bring state testing to a swift end. However, until parents stop going after teachers and start voting out worthless bureaucrats with no experience in education, we will have to walk the grid. So, for your reading pleasure, here are:

 15 Things Teachers Can Do To Have Fun While Actively Monitoring.

15. LUNGES: Want the type of ass you can bounce a quarter off of? Then lunge your way through testing! That’s right teachers, actively monitor while your burn!  Whittle away the middle why they bubble in those bubbles! Kid drops a pencil? Lunge to get it!  Imagine the burn you will get lunging out those test booklets! Why not? You have four hours, might as well work off all that food from teacher appreciation week. Wait you didn’t get any either? 

14. CROP DUST: Fart as silent and deadly as you can while walking through the grid. Students will never know who let such foulness crawl up their ass and die. They will look around in sheer terror because they will never know who…or where it is coming from.

13. STARE at the students like Private Pyle in the bathroom from Full Metal Jacket. Then quote the words, “This is my test manual, there are many others like it but this one is mine!”

12. PERCH upon an empty desk like a Bird of Prey and when a student raises their hand for whatever reason, screech like an eagle and swoop down upon your prey! They will never ask a question again!

11. STAND at the back of the room while the kids have their backs to you. Begin mouthing all the curses you have ever wanted to say to any of these little imps. Flip the bird a few times too!

10. FREAK THEM OUT: Grab a ruler or a tape measure from your desk. Walk up to that kid you hate the most. Start measuring him up close. When he sees you, mutter something like, “Damn…won’t fit, need to dig deeper.”

9. STEP ON THEIR SNACKS. When they look at you, add a twist!

8. WALK by a student’s desk and while they bubble in their answers, mumble something along the lines of, “Oh my god, what are you thinking…” then walk away!

7. FREAK THEM OUT#2: Stand directly behind a student. Begin to breathe deeply….watch the comfort flow out of the room!

6. YOGA: Start off with a nice salute to the sun and then go immediately into a downward facing dog. Reduce to child’s pose and then quickly into warrior one. Make sure you are in the front of the room…in short shorts and knee high striped socks. 

5. IS HE DEAD: Sit in a chair in front of the students. Choose one at random and start the dead man stare.

4. MAKE EYE CONTACT with a random student. When they make eye contact with you, shake your head, sigh, and begin writing. Continue writing every time they look at you. Close proximity and continue writing until they never look up again. Then mutter out the words, “good, that’s right…like that….like that.”

3. DO the Robot every time they raise their hands for something. 

2. PICK one student. As you walk through the aisles, kick the leg of their desk or chair and say excuse me. Do this every time you pass their desk. Trust me you can get a lot of mileage out of that one.

1. MAKE A TO DO LIST: Write down everything you could be doing rather than “actively monitoring.” Wipe away the tears at the time you are wasting…I’m sorry “actively monitoring” for a Standardized Test. Now remember, the people that put you here, have never had to do this. Get mad, write your state congressman, and demand better of them!  Make sure they understand that you will vote them out if this does not change.

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