One of the things I admire the most about the playwright, David Mamet, is his use of dialogue. He is a master at capturing the colloquial colors of everyday conversation and speech. He accomplished this by eavesdropping and transcribing actual dialogue he heard in bars, coffee shops, and other public places. He would write the conversation as best as he could hear it. With nearly a decade under my belt of working in education, I have experience volumes full of interesting conversations. WARNING: All of what you are about to read is true. These are mostly written from memory. I have edited the names and places to protect the guilty. I hope you enjoy!
COOL WHIP LUKE:
Kid 1: Hey. Want to see something funny? You know D? Call him Cool whip. Watch this. Hey, cool-whip?
D: Leave me alone.
Kid 1: Cool Whip?
D: I Said leave me alone
Kid 1: Oh, Coooool Whiiiiip!
D: MOTHER *#$%. Don’t be calling me no mother #%##% cool whip!!! (Proceeds to tear off shirt like the hulk and begins flexing.) AHHHHHHHHHHH! MY NAME ISN’T F$%@#! COOL WHIP!
PAPER THIN TOUGH GUY:
TEACHER: Why is “headband,” in hallway?
AIDE: I kicked him out. I was redirecting him to work on his project and he told me “go to hell.” I asked him not to talk to me like that and to wait until you come back. He then said “you both can go @#$% yourselves.”
TEACHER: Really? Well, lets go have a word. That does not happen in my classroom.
(They walk in to the hallway)
TEACHER: You have something to tell me?
KID: No. (Begins to cry)
TEACHER: Are you serious? You’re crying? Your actually going to start crying? What happened to the bad ass that told me and my co-teacher to go #$%^ ourselves?
KIDS SAY THE DARNEDEST THINGS:
While subbing for a group of 1st graders during PE, I had the scooter station. They were riding these really cool little trikes that you sat in and swiveled the handlebars to move. They were pretty cool. I noticed that a group of students were playing “Dairy Queen Drive Thru.” This is the part that was the most memorable:
DRIVE-THRU: Welcome to Dairy Queen.
BLONDIE: Yes, I want an ice cream cone.
DRIVE THRU: That will be one dollar.
OTHERS: A dollar, that’s too much!
BLONDIE: That’s nothing, I get all kinds of dollar bills, just like my mommy brings home!
(Teacher falls out of his chair laughing)
WHY YOU SHOULD AVOID THE TEACHER’S LOUNGE:
Two faculty members in the teacher’s lounge.
F1: What is that child doing?
F2: Oh, her? That girl is a hot mess. Have you seen her mother? Talk about trash.
F1: I know. You can tell why she gets dress coded. I mean her outfits are cute, but the only time I would wear that is if I was hunting me some late night recreation, if you know what I mean.
F2: True! She doesn’t even have the boobs for those shirts. What a S.I.T.
F1: What’s a S.I.T?
F2: Slut in training. I cannot stand her; teaching her is a waste. We shouldn’t even bother, she is going to be pregnant by next year anyway.
F1: Don’t worry, soon as Trump gets in there, we will have two less illegals walking the halls. Her and her mother!
F2: One could only hope!
(A second grader is talking to her substitute and a young female teacher.)
2ND GRADER: Hey Mr. P. I see you shaved off your little goat beard!
SUB: Yeah, I got bored of it.
2ND GRADER: My dad shaved off his mustache!
YOUNG TEACHER: He did?
2ND GRADER: Yep. Mommy made him do it. She was talking on the phone to her lady friends and she told them that it was tickling her so much the other night that she tooted on his face!
(SUB AND TEACHER DO EVERYTHING THEY CAN NOT TO START LAUGHING)
2ND GRADER: Why are you turning red?
THE INCOMPETENT LEADING THE INCOMPETENT:
DISTRICT ADMIN: I hate telling teachers this but the level of incompetence at this school is absolutely ridiculous. What are you doing on this campus? The amount of students failing is directly related to the gross levels of incompetence teaching in front of them. I am going to show you your lesson plans from the last 9 weeks on the screen. (ADMIN begins pressing buttons to turn on the presentation.) As you can…Deborah, try the next one. With these kinds of scores…why is it not showing? Deborah!? No, no…you need to start the slide show.
DEBORAH: It’s started. It should be going!
DISTRICT ADMIN: That is not what I wanted…turn that on please.
(Screen automatically shuts off.)
OLDER TEACHER: You were talking about gross incompetence?
As always, thank you for reading Tales From The Red Pen, I hope you enjoyed something a little more lighthearted. Until next week, I bid you Adieu.